It is the constitutional disposition of mankind to set up stakes and set bounds to the works and ways of the Almighty. (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 320)
I have had a recurring dream over many years. In this dream there is a massive mountain I am supposed to climb. As I look up at the mountain I shudder at the prospect of climbing it. The thought of ascending the mountain is utterly fearsome to me, because it exudes danger and darkness and will take every ounce of my will power and energy. I realize I could die trying to climb this mountain, because people die climbing mountains like Everest, K2, or McKinley, and this mountain I am looking at seems even more challenging and ominous.
Can you imagine that you are on an expedition to climb a mountain that is as foreboding, dark, dreadful, and terrible as this mountain appears to me. To climb such a mountain you are constantly cold, fighting for every breath of air, and every step is agony. Oh, and did I mention that I have to climb it by myself? There is the constant fear of a misstep or falling. To my mind, to climb this mountain would require superhuman endurance.
I have come to believe that mountain represented to me the obtaining of something precious and valuable, beyond obtaining anything worldly like wealth, financial security, or power. It came to represent in my mind the obtaining of the most precious thing there is, eternal life. Summiting that mountain at first seemed unobtainable, but I have since learned a few things that make that mountain not so unobtainable in my mind.
I remember reading about a dream that Joseph F. Smith had when he was a young man on a mission in Hawaii sometime in the 1850’s. If I remember the story, in the early part of his mission he found himself struggling to learn the language. He felt he would never be able to get to the point he could converse and preach in the native tongue. He spent weeks with a Hawaiian- English dictionary trying to learn the words, but he was making no progress. In despair he thought about giving up. And then he had a dream. In this dream found himself at the bottom of a tremendous cliff that rose straight up from where he stood. He could not see the top. I can imagine that it seemed to him just has ominous and unobtainable as my mountain was to me. It was suggested to him somehow that he had to climb that cliff, but he could see no way up. He prayed for help. Then he heard a voice telling him that he just had to reach out, get started, and he would be able to get to the top. So he walked over to the face of the cliff and reached up with one of his arms. He felt a groove in the face of the cliff that he could grasp with his hand and pull himself up with. He raised one of his feet and found a foot hold. He pulled himself up and reached with the other hand as far as he could reach and there was another groove in the cliff face that he could grab onto. And thus he was able to pull himself up using the unseen footholds and grooves that presented to him as he climbed. Eventually he reached the top of the cliff.
That was a helpful story that taught me that difficult things can be accomplished through a will to succeed, patience, and prayers for divine help.
In my prayer life I have come to understand, over a long period of time, something important– the Lord is actually listening. Occasionally, while praying, I would feel the presence of someone else in the room. This sensation was so powerful at times I would open my eyes to see if there was someone there. I couldn’t see anyone, but I could feel them. Accompanying this feeling of someone’s presence I would feel light and a sensation of love enter my mind. The best way I can describe it is as if watching the light of a sunrise fill the sky.
But at those moments I would pull back in my prayer, afraid to go on. I experienced a sense that if I delve deeper in my prayer, press on exploring the sensations I was having, I would experience something I was not prepared for, something fearful. I would end my prayer, suddenly, afraid to continue. I was experiencing the same sort of dread that I felt when I dreamt of the mountain.
Why did I do that? What was it I was afraid of encountering if I continued in my prayer? After much soul searching I have come to the conclusion a couple of things: 1) I was afraid I might have to come to terms with my sins, my shortcomings and 2) I was afraid I might be asked to do something I won’t want to do. I was placing limits on what I was willing to do, driving stakes into the ground as if saying, “I will go this far, but no further.” This was the substance of the fears I had when I realized I had to climb that mountain.
I now recognize and have somewhat come to terms with these revelations about myself, I need to push those stakes out further. I would like to remove them completely, but perhaps I am just not ready for that yet. It is not an easy thing to be honest with yourself, but recognizing that I created and sustain those limitations is a great first step.
The essence of the meaning of that massive dark mountain I have to ascend is fear; a foreboding sense of what it will take to reach the top. I find fear to be the greatest impediment to climbing mountains, as well as making my prayers more meaningful and efficacious. Do you remember that story about a man who had fallen off a cliff, but was holding on to the root of a tree he was able to grab hold of just as he fell over the edge. As he is dangling there just a breath away from the root breaking and falling to his death, he prays to God to save him. God answers him, “Let go of the root, and I will save you.” That is the predicament we will find ourselves if we press forward seeking the face of the Lord. I think that is illustrative of the fear that grips my soul at those times I can feel the light of the Sun (Son) rising up in my soul at times in my prayer when I shut it down prematurely.
As others have described it, who have had the experience of meeting the Savior in the flesh, it is a fearsome thing to meet the Lord in your sins. Perhaps it is the holding on to our sins that stops us from seeking the Lord to its final end. King Lamoni let go of his sins in an instant. He had not spent years seeking to find the Lord as we have. It took the simple faith of a child for him to do that. But our Gentile sensibilities dictate that we need to own our faults and overcome our faults on our own. Maybe that is the key–hand it all over to the Lord and have faith that He can absolve us of our sins. Subconsciously we are very aware of our sins, even if in our conscious minds we think we have come to terms with them. Our fear is that in a moment of existential anxiety (such as meeting angels or Christ) it will all come out in a terrible vengeance to equalize the scale. Christ removes all of that if we have faith to allow Him to do that.
The other fear that many of us harbor is this: what will I be asked to do, if the Savior were to appear to me? At some point I may be asked to do something I don’t want to do. Remember Abraham, Moses, Nephi, in fact all the saints we read about in the scriptures and in our pioneer histories had to endure great trials. Why would it be any easier for us?
There is a third factor I struggle with, and that is the shear mental effort of engaging in meaningful prayer. It will sometimes take me up to an hour in prayer to get to a place in my mind where I really feel like I am conversing with God and receiving answers. Usually I don’t seem to know what to pray for, at least not in some meaningful way; I do not want to sound repetitious, as if I am praying for the same things everyday.
After a long time struggling in my prayers, what to say, or how to say it, it occurred to me to just talk about my day. Talk about what I had done, what I hope for, what didn’t work out, or what did. I started talking to the Lord about what I had read and the people I had met. Opening myself up to sharing my fears and my hopes is putting my prayers at a different level, and I find myself pushing through the boundaries of how far I am willing to go in my prayers. It also helps to write a list of things I think of throughout the day to discuss with the Lord.
I even talk to the Lord about the stuff I am writing and publishing on my blog. I have probably 30 posts I have drafted but not released. When I ask the Lord about them He seems to respond in this way: “You should probably not publish that.” or I will get a sense that He approves. There have actually been a couple times where I felt Him say to me, “Now is the time to publish that post.” (This is one of those posts)
Preparation to have meaningful prayer all takes tremendous time and effort. I find that I get out of it what I put into it. The mountain doesn’t seem so ominous to me now, but it is still steep and tall. I can now, however, see easier paths up to the summit.
